January 7, 2002

The tears that I pour out
Can not extinguish this flame of fury
That has grown to surround me.
The smoke fills my lungs,
As I sob and gasp,
The heat causes beads of sweat
To caress my face,
In just the way he no longer will.

Alone I sit and balance
On this point of limbo,
The happiness of yesterday,
That has lead to this misery of today.

My mouth tastes of vomit
My eyes scream of pain
My heart dead in my chest
Crushed.

As I stare down to the end of this
dark tunnel that is held here before me,
I cannot see the bullet but I find
Comfort in knowing it’s there.

On my knees I beg and plead,
Only to look upon his back,
so from these flames I conjure
The spirit of my father.
His gentle smile does not
Ease the pain.
I look him square in the eyes,
Resenting his ignorance
To this pain, and I wail,
“Go, be useful to me spirit,
Cause havoc and fear
In his safety net,
Create fear,
Fear towards me
Fear towards love
Fear of eternal dread.

Curse you,
You arrogant ass,
your songs of lies
have been discovered
by me,

I am the nightmare
That from this point
Will forever haunt
Your dreams,
your thoughts,
your heart.

Your deception,
No longer may run its course.
These padded white walls
Will confine you,
from lashing your venom
and poisoning the minds
of the innocents,
for I hold the key.